Side Effects

Side Effects

By

Thomas Carlucci


If you think watching the evening news is depressing, watch commercials for medications. I discovered while at a 45º angle in my recliner, a score of different maladies that I never knew existed until a law was passed allowing these advertisements to educate me in my very own home during prime time.

For instance, you might be suffering from some obscure disease called Digititus Circle Reversal that causes your fingers to curl backwards. Well, taking medication X will fix that, but there are some side effects.

By taking medication X, you might suffer a side effect that causes spontaneous pregnancy, for instance. Perhaps you might find yourself consumed with the overwhelming desire to run onto the freeway during rush hour.

There’s more. You could be plagued with the worst case of runs you ever had, and you are confined to the john because you ran out of toilet paper and your spouse is at the supermarket buying every roll in the store.

Other side effects include hair growing out of your eye-balls, your ears drooping to your knees, or one butt cheek swelling to twice the size of the other.

After hearing all the side effects of those miraculous medications, I think I would rather suffer with the maladies than take any medications to treat them.